Dear Yuliya,
At what age should I first talk to my kids about sex? Masturbation? Should I wait for them to bring it up or should I bring it up with them? I remember when my dad gave me the SEX TALK, he trapped me in a car so I couldn't run away and we did family type errands while having the most awkward conversation ever!
First of all, if you are a parent and you are contemplating having the "sex talk" with your child under similar circumstances - DON'T do it. You'll just give them a horror story to tell their friends when they're older. I know it can be embarrassing to talk about sex, and I know it's particularly tricky with your child, but remember that this is important and not something that you can expect a school to provide anymore. Try to pluck up your courage and talk to your child at home, maybe even in his/her room so that they feel comfortable. But, first things first.
Parents should be prepared to answer all sorts of question from their kids. I know I asked my Mom about babies when I was about 6. She was very honest with me and explained all the mechanics calmly. This is important. Don't get freaked out. Children will be curious from an early age. Give things their proper name - don't use "pee-pee" or "down there." It may lead to a couple of embarrassing outbursts in front of relatives, but it's nothing to be ashamed of. Answer all questions that you can in age-appropriate language. Don't feel the need to elaborate too much. Often a child will be satisfied with a fairly surface explanation. If you can bring yourself to do it, talk about masturbation. Children often manipulate their own genitals at an early age. It's normal! If sex is difficult for you to talk about, consider getting a book for your child to read. Something like Where Did I Come From may be useful. I've also heard good things about It's Perfectly Normal.
If your child is already well on the way to puberty and you haven't had a talk with him/her yet, you may consider pointing them in the direction of Scarlateen - an excellent sex education site. Of course, it's always OK to want to talk to your child yourself. Feel free to arm yourself with any knowledge you may want to impart and sit your child down for a talk. Allow questions. Be open and honest. Don't get embarrassed, you are doing a good thing! Try to cover many important things like pregnancy, STI's, sexual assault, but also talk about good things like masturbation, healthy relationships, consent, sexual identity, etc. Have more than one talk - there's a lot of ground to cover! Also, take an interest in what kind of education the child's school is providing (if any). It may be comprehensive sex ed, it may be abstinence-only sex ed, or there may be nothing. Check on the materials and coursework provided and make sure your teenager gets all the correct information. Try to prepare him/her for making good decisions about sex and sexuality later in life. And try not to freak out too much about your child growing up. It's inevitable!
2 comments:
My parents gave me What's happening to me?, though sometime after I'd already discovered the adolescent version of masturbation on my own, and it was good to get a bunch of what I'd been thinking confirmed by a legitimate source.
I also think a great part of having a book is that it can explain in more detail than a parent might want to for a young person what's going on with the opposite sex, which is really important to be cognizant of in developing a well-rounded sense of sexuality.
Also, it's a bit off-topic for the "when should I first talk to my kids" question, but somewhat later in life (but prior to becoming sexually) active I also was lucky enough to discover some really excellent practical, and indecent, sex guides online. It's almost impossible to find that kind of thing now among the smut (which your kids will also find), but I think for a 16 or 17 year old, getting something on the order of The Guide To Getting It On can be appropriate and valuable. There's one order of knowledge that's about understanding what our reproductive systems are, what puberty is about biologically, and how it all works, and another that's about understanding sex itself. Given the amount of ignorance and misinformation that floats around, it seems smart to me to try and spread real knowledge.
Yes, I hear great things about "Guide to Getting It On" and should really check it out. I hear that even for folks who know a lot about sex and sexuality, there are still things to discover in that book.
I think you're right that a book can help know what's going on with the opposite sex, but you have to be careful with your child. What if the child is gay? Or bi? I think talking about these things from an early age is important too, making sure they know it's OK and that they can talk to you and not to push heteronormativity too much. That's already in everyone's faces.
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